I thought I was in the clear. Normally, my annual cold sniffles up on me on Christmas day. In the past few years, I have developed an unscientific hypothesis that the cold is punishment for running myself ragged the weeks leading up to the holiday and then overindulging in Pinot Grigio on Christmas Eve. This year I thought it would be different. Pregnancy has saved me from drinking and thus hangovers. I have completed my degree, so there is no stress there. I am taking vitamins the size of horse pills, which I am told are prenatals but am convinced are bowel movement blockers. However constipated they may leave me, this is the first time in my life I have taken vitamins so I assumed I would be well defended against the common cold. I was even bullied into getting my first flu shot ever, as my doctor said it's "what responsible parents do."
Then came New Years Eve. Platters of food, dips galore and a few snotty nosed diaper wearing double dipping midgets. I watched in disgust as the mother of one innocent looking little girl used a cucumber, and then a chocolate chip cookie, as a spoon to try out every dip on the table. I watched her saliva run from plate to bowl, over crackers and cheeses and egg rolls. I offered a plate. "Isn't she funny? She just loves her dip!" Her mother exclaimed. I even watched this little girl wedged a soggy piece of cheese between her toes. That's when I had enough. I left the room.
Of course, I carefully did not eat anything that I saw the little girl germify but I must have missed something. I even knew that night she was going to be the culprit of my cold catching. And, as nature would predict, I have caught the cold. So, as if being six and a half months pregnant, with zits on my chin and cellulite on my thighs isn't unattractive enough, I am now oozing mucus from my nose and sneezing all over the place. I've heard sex is a good way to cure a cold, but I can't possibly expect my husband to be interested in this boogie prego monster I have become. Plus, I am so angry right now I just may black widow him if he tries to come near me with any intention of satisfaction.
I am officially miserable right now.
